When you find out who you are

All those years, you’ve had that feeling that something was not right. But then, when you find out who you are, the feeling does not abate but lingers and stays to haunt your very soul.

All those years, you’ve asked yourself: Who am I? But then, when you find out who you are, the question still remains a question, because the answer is so simple yet it needs a lot of explaining.

All those years, you’ve asked, “Why?” But then, when you find out who you are, you find out that you also need to know the when, the where and the how.

These questions, and a lot more, trouble you each and every day despite the hustle and bustle of your daily existence. They burrow into your brain, and you have to fight hard any and all attempts at forgetting.

Your efforts are futile, because however which way you deny it, you still want to find out the truth. You tell yourself you don’t want to, yet you do, because that peace of mind you have been searching for is dependent on that truth.

But what for, right? If after all these years, you have managed to live without that truth, what is that truth for? You then settle for the lie – that half-truth you have been living with for four decades. You content yourself with that, not wanting to get hurt because of that truth.

But what if, while all is going well with your life, you are dealt a blow about that truth? Someone gives it to you on a silver platter, complete with your favorite garnishing. But instead of being happy, instead of being ecstatic that finally, you know the truth, you are left empty.

You experience that “a-ha” moment when at long last, you suddenly find the explanation to some mysteries surrounding your life.

Out of the blue, you find the answer to why you find one thing different from the other; why some people treated you the way they treated you; why every single time, surprising things happened to you.

You realize why you are so different from the people who are supposed to have similarities with you; why you have different interests; why you’re better at one subject than the other; why you grew up alone.

It was not luck, but not an accident either. It was something planned.

The plan was simple, yet complicated. It was meant to please you and give you a good life, but somewhere along the way, it backfired. The plan was meant to secure you and your future – probably even your kids – but something unexpected happened. It was so swift that you found yourself in a sinking boat, instead of on a cruise ship smoothly sailing the seas.

Would you still want to know how certain people feel about you after you’ve revealed the truth? Would they still look at you the same way? Would they treat you with indifference, instead of respect?

What’s the truth for, anyway, if you’ve already accomplished so much in a world of untruth?

Sometimes, it’s not worth it when you find out who you really are. You’d rather just live in a world you’ve always known, a world where you find comfort and contentment, not fibs and falsehoods.

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